Highlighting the small woodland creature’s ability to set long-term objectives and competently follow through on them, a McMaster University report released Wednesday found that a local 2-year-old eastern chipmunk had crafted a far more secure and responsible future for itself and its fantasy hockey franchise than an average of 2 out of every 3 NHFL GMs.

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Researchers stated that the striped 7-inch mammal displayed a degree of foresight and determination far exceeding that of the average NHFL GM. In contrast to most General Managers, the chipmunk was said to routinely work toward meaningful roster goals in an orderly and decisive manner without procrastinating for days on end, melodramatically sighing and complaining about the trading or decision-making proccesess, or becoming immediately sidetracked by emails, board games or online videos.

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“During our 15 months of observation, from the basement of the Stittsville Stache HC, we found that this chipmunk was better able to formulate plans, execute them, and ultimately enjoy a more balanced and stable life than a full two-thirds of the NHFL management group,” said lead researcher Dr. Killjoy, noting that the 3-ounce creature possessed sounder judgment and greater self-control than an estimated 100% of the White Brothers. “Indeed, this chipmunk was able to accurately anticipate its team wants and needs as far as weeks, months, or even a year ahead of time, whereas 67 percent of our human subjects were entirely incapable of looking beyond their next meal or the upcoming fantasy hockey matchup.”

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“And when this chipmunk identified an obstacle that stood in the way of its goals, such as a branch blocking access to its computer, it would use problem-solving skills and take action to surmount it,” continued Killjoy, “unlike the overwhelming majority of NHFL GMs, who just sat down and gave up at the mere hint of adversity.”

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According to Killjoy, when the chipmunk decided it needed to construct an underground shelter, the rodent simply performed the necessary digging quickly and efficiently, never pausing to go out with its chipmunk friends, take a nap, or eat for a few hours out of pure boredom. When researchers presented NHFL GMs with a similarly time-consuming task, nearly a quarter just stood there in the hope that someone else would come along and take care of it, another 20 percent quickly convinced themselves the task didn’t need to be performed at all, and more than one in three feigned illness or exhaustion in an effort to get out of it.

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Researchers also repeatedly witnessed the small quadruped stuffing its cheeks with seeds and nuts and depositing them in one of its subterranean chambers for consumption during winter, displaying an inclination toward saving resources for the future that had “almost no behavioral equivalent” among NHFL GMs.

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“While most GMs live an hour-to-hour existence based solely on satisfying immediate impulses, this chipmunk is able to realize that giving into its basest whims would ultimately be self-destructive,” said behavioral psychologist Jonathan Herbadur. “Frankly, a 2-year-old chipmunk knows better than to eat its entire store of berries in one sitting because it tastes good or just lie in its nest until noon because it doesn’t feel like getting up. GMs would be well served to watch this chipmunk and follow its example.”

Herbadur also noted that the brown-furred creature’s well-crafted plans for the future extended to its families as well. The researcher stated that the chipmunk devoted a considerable amount of its time and resources toward raising productive and well-rounded young, as opposed to many NHFL parents who were repeatedly observed exhausting their disposable income on updating their hockey preview magazines, websites and social media platforms every several days and then spending nearly all of their free time engaging with these products instead of their offspring.

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The report confirmed, however, that the small subset of NHFL GMs who do exercise the same level of forethought and determination as the 2-year-old chipmunk are affluent, healthy, largely content, and typically have at least two Fifty Mission Cup championships under their belt.

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“By putting the same amount of thought into their lives as this chipmunk puts into foraging for sunflower seeds, for example, a relative handful of NHFL GMs have been able to adequately prepare their children for college, build up a formidable NHFL roster, avoid chronic disease, and even put enough money away to retire at age 65,” Herbadur said. “According to our calculations, if NHFL GMs as a whole expended even a fraction of the effort toward their franchise that this chipmunk displays toward lining its burrow with leaves, the world would quickly rid itself of problems as far-flung as economic stagnation, decaying infrastructure, and global warming.”